As we draw ever closer to the end of the year, I’ve had the chance to reflect on the things that have happened over the past year. This has been both one of the best and worst years of my life so far, for so many reasons. But the one constant of this year is that God has been with me through all of it.
I look at where I was a year ago and my life was completely different, I had an internship in a town that i no prior connections to. and i met so many people who really helped me see the good in my self and helped me know God’s presence when I was in one of the darkest places I’d ever been. I had the chance to live with some amazing people that made me feel so loved and so valued, and if it wasn’t for their constant support, I’m not sure i’d be here now, and I know for a fact I wouldn’t have started this blog if it was for their love and support. But the darkness clouded my mind and my heart. And I had to leave.
This is something I’ve just come to terms with talking/writing about, because it was a huge moment in my life, both being able to move away from home for the first time and follow the calling that God has for me, and for the short time I was there i was truly blessed by the wonderful people i got to work and live with (and if by chance any of you are reading this, thank you for everything and I love you all) but God took me away from there early for a reason, even if I’m not entirely sure what that is yet.
But I don’t need to know. Because I know he is still with me. And in his time I’ll find out.
When I left that internship, I was devastated, and it really shook me, I shut my self away from my friends and family, after i felt like I let those closest to me down, I felt like I’d disappointed those i care about most after having to come back. Now I know this isn’t the case, but when depression has you in that heavy a grip, it doesn’t matter what you know, because paranoia and self-doubt will always win. And I let those feelings drive a wedge between myself, and the Lord.
The reason I wanted to write about this is a simple one. I may have let my Depression drive a wedge between God and i, but he never left me, and he’ll never leave you. At my church yesterday, the sermon was on this idea that the kingdom of God was near, this was the message that Jesus taught us over and over, but we were also taught that another translation became “The kingdom of God is at hand.” Even when we try to keep our almighty God at arms reach, his kingdom is still at hand.
I thought that, in my Depression that God would leave me, that somehow, his unfailing love would fail for me, but that’s one of the amazing things about God’s mercy and grace, it is unfailing and unending. I was a shell when I came back to my hometown, i was a recluse, i felt like I’d failed everyone i love and my God that had given me that chance. But it was through the love of my friends and the love of my God that i was able to continue to keep fighting and keep writing. Upon reflection it was his Resurrection that kept me going, he died for us. Not just for the well, but the sick as well, not just for the rich, but the poor as well. Our God loves us where ever we may be, if we’re in the heights of the spirit, or in the depths of depression, he loves us the same. We must keep fighting the darkness, we must keep going when all seems lost. Because God has called every one of us to follow him, and we are all useful, no matter how broken we may feel. So keep trusting in the light, and keep fighting the darkness.
I’ll be going back to my usual content next week, but I really felt a calling to write about this. Thank you for reading, and May God Bless you.
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