So i’ve been debating about what i should write next, should i stick to music? Because there’ a lot of bands/songs/events that i could speak about (especially after seeing Kings Kaleidoscope live in London!) but this isn’t what God had in mind for me this week. I could speak about hitting a rough patch, but i don’t feel called to talk about that either. Instead, this time, i want to tell you about something amazing that happened to me.
I was typically a very low confidence, self-deprecating emotional wreck for a time. I refused to accept that i was good at anything, that i had friends that actually do like me and don’t just feel sorry for me, that if i told myself that i was good at anything, it would mean i have an ego, so i should shoot myself down before i get to that point. if you’ve been in this mindset, you know the damage this sort of thinking can do. It can lead to self-inflicted social isolation, losses in friendships, and much more. Feeling like keeping yourself at the bottom means there’s no further to fall. The issue with this reasoning is. There’s always further to fall. Rock bottom is never that when it comes to destructive thinking/behaviour. I’ve been trapped in this loop for longer than i can remember, and it’s done nothing but hold me back.
Self deprecation can be a slippery slope. Now, i want to be clear, i’m not talking about self-deprecating humour, that, to me at least, isn’t the issue. I’m talking about the kind of thoughts where you shoot yourself down before you even get up. The repeating sound of “I’m not good enough, i’ve messed up, i’m not worth it” before you’ve even given yourself a chance. You begin to convince yourself that the people around you see you this way too, that you’re nothing but a joke to them, and they keep you around because they feel bad for you, you start to tell yourself “who could love you? You’re nothing” until you feel incapable of doing anything.
Well, to be honest, i’d had enough of this feeling. I was sick of feeling like nothing i say, think or feel matters, when it does, i decided it was time to break the circle, and claim back my confidence. I am wanted, i am loved, i am talented, i am important, and i do matter. And so do you.
It’s taken me this long to break the circle, because it’s not easy when it’s almost a part of you, it becomes standard to doubt yourself and just give up. But you need to fight through this, you need to break it too. Because to be honest with you. This is the best i’ve ever been mentally. It’s going to be hard to hold on to this, but hold on i must. i didn’t realise how damaging this was until my God set me free. He opened my eyes to the fact that, he died for me, he saw me as worthwhile enough to give everything for, he helped me through. I have been blessed by so many wonderful people, i have some amazing friends that have helped me work through this, and picked me back up when i would have otherwise given up. I have an amazing church family that have shown me nothing but support in everything i’ve been called to do. And have been willing to call me out when i’ve made mistakes.
I wanted to write this because, if there’s anyone reading this that has ever felt like this, or still does. I want you to know, there’s hope of breaking free. Because if i can do it, you can too. You are worthwhile, you matter to someone, even if you feel like you don’t matter to yourself. You need to take a step back, and accept the good things that you do, and the great things that you are capable of. You need to break that circle of self-doubt, and accept that you are worthy of love.
Our God is the God of healing, and compassion. I have claimed back my confidence thanks to him, and i choose to put it in him. Because he has never left me, and he won’t leave you. He has always picked me back up even when i’ve doubted his goodness, and he will do the same for you. He is always there, and always will be. Because he is forever and always.
This post is a little different from my usual content. But i think it’s an important message, and if even one person is able to break this pattern, then this is more than worth the diversion. Posts will still be as and when for a while. But keep an eye out for some new content in the coming months. Thank you for your patience. And thank you to my friends that do hold me up, and for your support, hope i can be even half the brother a lot of you have been to me. You can find a link to our facebook page Here and one for my twitter here and as always…
Thank you for reading, and May God Bless you.