So it’s been a while since i’ve written something, there’s numerous reasons for that. But if i’m honest, the main reason has been issues of anxiety. And considering its mental health awareness week at the time of writing, what better time than now to get back into writing?
A lot has happened in my life since the last time i posted all the way back in February, i’ve gained friends and i’ve lost some. I’ve had moments of divine clarity and of absolute emotional devastation. In the case of some of these events, i will go into detail in some future posts, but right now all i’ll say is, it’s been an eventful few months.
Anyone that has been following this blog for any amount of time, will know about my struggles with mental health issues, specifically depression and anxiety. Well lately anxiety has been the main one. and it has been putting a strain on my writing.
I currently have 14 different posts in progress, and all of them have fallen through for the same reason, because there’s always that thought in the back of my head, telling me that “you don’t know what you’re talking about.” “What you’re saying is probably wrong” “Why don’t you just quit?” and every time i started a new post, these thoughts flooded my mind, and it just drove me to give up each time. That was, until God intervened.
Another defining topic of this blog is my love of music, some of my most viewed posts seem to be my rundown of the songs “A prayer” and “Sticks and stones” by Kings Kaleidoscope (a band which i’m finally going to get the chance to see live in London!) and as i have a habit to do, i’ve been taking in a lot of different music. But this year there’s been one EP that has really stood out to me, and it’s by a man who i’ve had the pleasure to see live last year at Big Church Day Out: Andy Mineo.
The Arrow may go down as my favourite EP/album of this year for so many reasons, the clever wordplay on show in “Clarity” to the excellent beats throughout. It’s equal parts beautiful, motivating, heartbreaking and life affirming, and it only clocks in at about 21 minutes. If you’re looking for some well made Christian rap, look no further than Andy Mineo. However, as much as i could go on about how great this EP is, (and believe me i could) there’s a song in particular that i need to talk about.
“I ain’t done” is the 5th song of the EP, and it’s the one that convinced me to work through the fear and start writing again. But the interesting thing is, it’s just not the words, or the beat (both are fantastic though) but it’s the sentiment behind it.
I have a confession to make. For the longest time i’ve been struggling with the idea of this blog doing well, I don’t do this to get big, or to become a success, i do this because i love to write, my grammar isn’t the best, my style isn’t the most eloquent, and my points can sometimes be described as rambling at best. But for the longest time i’ve tried to convince myself, that if i get just one more like these fears and flaws will go away. Only now after this “break” do i realise how foolish this attitude is, and this song has helped with this.
Here’s the lyrics of the break, maybe you’ll see why this has helped change my mindset
“Oh well if they don’t like it
I might turn up by myself
I don’t need opinions
No, I did this for myself!”
This is a quote taken from an interview with Mineo in 2017 about the song:
“I don’t care if anybody likes this, I’m gonna do it for me and it was also it was this freedom cry and like this chant. Tonight if you’re at the show I’m gonna premiere that song. I still deal with it but that is one way I channelled that energy into my creativity and started to not care. “I am what I am if you don’t love it someone else will.”
I know, it sounds simple right? Just do what you like because you like it, it’s not about anyone else’s opinion. This is where my struggle with Anxiety comes in to play, see, in my worry about who i am and how i’m not good enough, i lost the idea of doing things because i enjoyed them, and began to use my hobbies as a way to show myself in a more positive light, forgetting why i did these things in the process.
There’s so many songs that Mineo has created that have spoken to me personally, but this one managed to get through the wall i’ve built up in my mind, and actually make me look at why i do the things i do, and what God is wanting to do with me.
I don’t know what my future holds, if i’ll still be blogging several years from now, or if the Lord has other plans for me. But something i know for sure is, that from now on, i will be doing things such as this, not with the hope of coming across in a certain way, or to show how set apart i am, but solely for the joy of what God is calling me into, and allowing me to be able to worship him in this way.
From this point on wards, there’s no more giving up, no more giving in, no more shutting down when things get hard, no more letting the fear take over who i am. Because as long as there’s breath in my lungs… I Ain’t Done.
Thank you for reading and May God Bless you.
Don’t just take my word for how good of an EP this, listen for yourself Here: I:The Arrow
Also, here’s a video that adds a whole new dimension to this wonderful EP: I: The Arrow; or, Doubt and The Search for Clarity