So its been a while since i’ve wrote about my struggle with depression, or anxiety, or any sort of mental illness, and honestly, that’s because i’ve had nothing to write about from my experience as of late. See i’ve been on the path of recovery for a while now, and it was seeming to go off without a hitch, well, it was until Sunday.
I had something of a slip up on sunday evening, after going back to a church i used to serve at. I was part of a discipleship program that called me to travel to this church every week as well as serve at the church that i worshiped at before starting this program. I was looking forward to returning to this church after not being there for nearly two years, to the point where in hindsight, it might have come across as arrogant. So as the good Lord does when arrogance overcomes humbleness, he reminded me that it wasn’t about me, and humbled me with what happened next. I walked into the church with some of my close friends, and one of the people who i had served alongside during my tenure at this church, didn’t even remember my name.
Now on reflection this isn’t a big deal, but to a mind that is still struggling to find its place in the world and in the plans of the Lord, this is devastating, it’s confidence shattering. Now there are many factors looking back on this. it had been two years since i’d been there, they’d had many other interns before and after my time there, and the list goes on. But at the time that didn’t matter, i saw it as a betrayal, as a slap in the face to the time i’d spent there. This, along with a number of other events that had taken place before and after this lead to me shutting myself away, with the intention of reverting back to my former reclusive self.
But the Lord had different plans, and helped me over this stumbling block with the patience and kindness of my friends and family, that helped me realize why going back to that place wouldn’t be worth it with all the progress that the lord has done in my life.
The reason i’m talking about this is because it’s important to know that in times of recovery, we are bound to stumble. Sometimes we can think the easy option after we’ve fallen is to not get up, and quite frankly it is. It’s a lot easier to just give up, and revert to our old attitudes and old vices. But anything worth doing isn’t easy, we are called to carry our crosses and Jesus never said that cross would be light, even if his burden is and his yoke is easy. We will struggle, we are human, we will stumble, we are broken, we will rise, in him we are whole.
It can be hard not to give in to our temptations, and harder to keep close to the Lord when we’re struggling, but he will never leave us. So when you stumble, and everything seems to be collapsing around you, and it’s easier to rest in the dirt, remember the Lord our God came down to lift you back up to the father. And will always be beside you, with a helping hand ready to lift you from the dirt.
Lord, thank you for standing by us when things go wrong. Thank you for your love and understanding when we lash out or relapse to our sinful ways. Thank you for what you did on the cross and for dying for all of our sins, not just the “small” ones. I pray that we would let you in to our hearts always and never try to shut you out. May you bless us and guard our hearts in times of trouble. I pray this in your glorious name. Amen.
Thank you for reading and May God Bless you.
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